i am doG.

I Love You Too. Now Stop Kissing Me. Seriously Stop. STOP FUCKING KISSING ME!!! or The Gay Daddié

2006-04-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

Cruise, Holmes Have Baby Girl

Details surrounding the birth, which was planned under the tenets of the Church of Scientology as a silent procedure, weren't disclosed....

Well, well, well... It seems those poor Thetans lose out again. The Chosen One has succeeded in using the Virgin Queen to bring forth the Messiah Child thus foiling Xenu's plans for escape from the Prison Planet and that darned eternal battery. But Xenu has spawn of his own...

Brooke Shields gives birth to daughter

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to watch these two Power Entities duke it out in the Great Battle at the Nexus of The End of Time.

Xenu is pleased.

In June, Cruise announced to a Paris press conference that he had proposed to Holmes atop the Eiffel Tower... No wedding date has been disclosed.

Unfortunately for Katie, there will be no wedding day. Giving birth to the Child of Prophesy has drained the life force from her frail human form and who wants to marry a lifeless husk?

And finally...

A publicity blitz for Cruise's new movie, "Mission: Impossible III," was set to begin Wednesday but the actor canceled all press appearances...

Hells yeah, he did. You can't buy this kind of press. Sure it took nine months, but that's what I call a successful publicity campaign. All that's left is to "discover" a MI3 birth mark and he can kick that dirty uterus container to the curb.

Tiger Woods Is A Fucking Cunt or What Does A Limey Shout When You Chop Off His Balls?

2006-04-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

Anybody see that movie Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang? Favorite line:

Don't quit your gay job.

That Shane Black is a funny, little fucker.

Here are a couple of things to take your mind off of all the serious, thoughtful and considered weltanschauung (look it up) out there.

While cameras rolled, N.C. trio castrated willing men

Seriously, you ask? Like a dog with mange in a leper colony...

The defendants -- Richard Sciara, 61; Michael Mendez, 60; and Danny Reeves, 49 -- are due in court this week for a probable cause hearing. Each is charged with five counts of felony castration...

I always thought that should be a felony. I wonder what the statute of limitations is...

The s-word

In the UK, the words spaz and spastic seem to pack a bigger punch.

But "Cunt" is just dandy. More proof that crooked teeth and funny accents are Nature's way of pointing out who the actual retards are.

And here's a nice list of offensive terms ranked first by a group of Disabled and then by a group of Untards:

The 10 worst words for a crip--, a speci--, a retar--... More things you shouldn't say.

Smile You're On Candid-- Fuck You, Get Down On The Ground! or Ancient Chinese Secret

2006-04-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

I heard this story on NPR today and I thought, "Hey, lady, that's a cool idea." Then I thought, man, she'd probably doesn't like me calling her lady. So I made up a new thought in which I envisioned her as a giant marshmallow cloud. Not that she's fat... Oh, shit, nevermind.

Anyway, after hearing the story I started to think that maybe I could do what she did. Norm's Hollywood Tours. Here's how it works: You go to a bar or a club or a Ralphs and dial a number on your cell phone to listen to a guided tour -- just like at a museum but better because it's about me.

So, welcome to the produce aisle. To your left are the green peppers. Feel underneath the bottom of the display...

Yeah. I put that there. Gross, huh?

On the right next to the Granny Smith Apples is where my ex-girlfriend castrated me in front of a stockboy...

You get the idea. I can't wait to get started on this right away. In the meantime, listen to how this woman strikes back at the evil global empire of Wal-Mart. Seriously, these guys really need to hire a publicist. I hear Tom Cruise recently let one go.

real audio clip from Marketplace

Additionally, if you have time and like Kurt Vonnegut, this is an amazing interview with him from today's episode of Bookworm

real audio interview from Bookworm

Enrique Murciano Is An Asshole? or Snakes On A Plane

2006-04-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

The wife and I have this thing where we lie in bed every night and discuss the stuff that pissed us off that day. What event was upsetting, which parent was annoying, with whom did we interact that was an ass, etc. It's all very Hillstreet Blues.

So, last night she was telling me about a friend of hers who recently worked on Without A Trace. We'll call this friend, Frida.

Frida had heard that there was some tension on the set due to some diva issue among the cast. There's a lot of that in the entertainment industry, so she was not surprised when Enrique Murciano showed up and proceeded to announce in a ridiculously loud voice his opinion of the script: "Who would say this crap?" and "What idiot wrote this shit?" etc. Now, I've heard of this before. Rosa Blasi is famous for it but, hey, when you're on a winner like Strong Medicine you just can't help but feel a little superior. The best thing is that "the idiot who wrote that shit" is usually standing right there. Even if the writing is bad, there's tact and then there's Rosa.

Anyhoo, Frida's big scene is with this Murciano guy so she psychs herself up, sits down and delivers her first line and... he laughs. Did I mention it's a drama? He breaks character and laughs at her. They have to stop rolling. Seriously. And in the break this is what he tells her: "That line sounds so stupid when you say it." Look out girls, he's smart too.

Wait, it gets better. They move in for Frida's coverage, her close up, and while the cameras are rolling, off-camera, this guy -- this complete douche bag -- is, I swear to god, making faces. He's sitting, off-camera making full-on, cross-eyed, tongue-sticking-out, faces. Like a fucking five-year-old. Did I also forget to mention that Frida is supposed to cry in this scene?

Now Frida did not do what I would have done. She did not give Enrigay Douche Bag Murciano an uppercut while he had his tongue stuck out. No. Frida finished her day and went home. She is a professional, with a long, long resume. She's seen it all before.

I just have the one source and I can't be sure it actually happened like that, but if it did... What a shame Mamma Murciano didn't abort. I mean, I could understand if you were, say, Rosa Blasi but come on, I had to go to IMDB just to figure out who this guy was.

I'm right about this, right? I mean, is this beyond the pale or is it just snakes on a plane? You tell me.

For more information about Snakes On A Plane press 1

East Side, West Side, Middle Side? or Anywhere But Delaware

2006-04-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sure everyone's seen the whole Cupcake Rap/SNL/Chronicles of Narnia/Lazy Sunday thing, right? Well, apparently there was a "West Coast" response called Lazy Monday because... well, it's Los Angeles, see, and nobody works. Get it? Anyway, nice idea, could have been funny. Unfortunately it isn't -- not really. The problem with the LA rap is that it just sort of indicates to you that this bit right here is funny. Seriously. You should laugh at this. It's really funny. But it's actually just a lifeless list of LA-specific, pop-culture references, which isn't where the comedy of the first piece is at all. Lazy Sunday is funny because the two guys take what they are saying deadly serious. The LA guys don't pull it off. The guys below do. It's almost better than the original. Plus, I kind of know the Kirby guy. Check it out:

Lazy Muncie

And for those of you who can't go a day without being disgusted I submit the following reason to avoid Delaware.

Teacher had sex with 13-year-old student 28 times in one week

Mother-Cocking Ass-Monkey Shits Fuck-Terding, Cunt Poop or Monday

2006-04-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hi. This'll be short but I didn't want to miss a post becuase god only knows what would happen then. Here is a clip from the Howard Stern show that my sister sent to me via the emails. Typically, I'm not a big Howard fan -- mostly because his humor doesn't tend to be clever and clever is how you score points with me -- but this clip is just funny. It's funny. Do you know funny? Here, let me introduce you...

Hey... you.

This is funny.

Funny this is, um... you.

I’ll let you two get acquainted...

Seriously, just pretend I'm not even here.

Korean Clock Lady

I Came From My Father's Penis? or My Dad's In Town and Yes, He Reads This

2006-03-31T11:43:00.000-08:00

Comedy is something I take very seriously. Someone who stands up in a room full of strangers expecting him to make them laugh, man, that's a tough racket. I have tremendous respect for comedy performers and the art form in general.

Something funny to me, though, is the infighting within the comedy world. Sketch performers and stand-ups have little respect for each other. Improv artists think they're both contrived and everybody hates performance artists. Even within the sects there are feuds. This guy is a hack, that guy is derivative, etc. Take the ongoing dispute between David Cross (complete disclosure, I am a fan) and Dan Whitney. a.k.a. "Larry the Cable Guy." Apparently Larry said something about David in his book and David responded with an open letter on his site. The upshot is that I'm entertained, mostly by the idea of two comedians fighting.

Regardless, my dad is in town and his visit brought to mind a bit from one of my favorite comedians, Louis CK. It goes like this (keep in mind that most of the comedy comes from the delivery):

You ever have to fart but you force it and end up shitting just a little bit...

Right in your dad's face...

And then everyone on the airplane is, like, whoa!

I suppose the degree to which you find this funny depends on your relationship with your father, but what I like about the joke is it's simple, streamlined structure. Start with a familiar concept and build to an expectation. Then widen the lens to reveal that you've turned the expectation on it's head. Then do it again. Theme and variation, man. It's cool.

It being Friday, here is a grab-bag of links to tide you over to Monday...

457-Pound Woman to Be Cremated after Weeks in Morgue
"It is a much more involved process, and it takes quite a bit more time," Springer said. "You have to do it slower."
--So, it's like BBQ?

Bird-Flu Pandemic Would Likely Start in California
Big surprise, there.

MINNELLI: 'I'M SICK OF SEX'
Does she have to remind us that she had sex? [shudder]

Randy Macho-Man Savage is an Alien or An Intelligent Perspective on the Immigration Issue

2006-03-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of attention right now on immigration and how bad it is (if you are a Republican up for re-election) or how good it is (if you are a Democrat). Honestly, I don't feel like I have an basis for comment since A) I'm not an immigrant and B) my livelihood is not threatened by an immigrant. Quite frankly, I'm more worried about losing my job to someone in India via out-sourcing then I am about someone taking it from me locally. Bet that issue doesn't come up in the debate.

Anywho, it's all very confusing. Thank god we have The Onion to put it all in perspective.

Immigration Story

And for those of you who might not know yet, President Bush finally got his wish:

Some good news from Iraq.

Randy Newman Was Right or Height Niggers?!

2006-03-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

Now, wait. Wait. I know. I know and I'm sorry, but I'm trying to work through something here.

I had an Asian friend who would occasionally refer to herself as a "rice-nigger" and I was never at easy with the term. I also knew an Arab guy who referred to himself as a "sand-nigger" and I'm not making this up. They said it was okay for them to use these terms because they were talking about themselves and/or the minority group to which they belonged. But it struck me today that they weren't exactly coining a phrase. Just adding a noun to the front of that word doesn't change it. In fact, it makes it worse because they're actually using it in a way that is reminiscent of the original meaning. That term was ripped out of the hands of the folks who came up with it for a good reason and I don't see anybody giving it back anytime soon.

Now what I really want to ask is: What ever happened to "Midget?" Why is that a bad word again? I guess because it's a label decided upon by a majority for a minority who didn't get any say in the process. It doesn't have quite the storied past of the n-word, but it's offensive because it was our word for them. "Little people" is okay because little people came up with it, and I like that. Still, I wonder if one day little people will reclaim the m-word and greet each other with cries of "S'up my midget?"

It may have already started as a quick perusal through the filmography of Bridget "the Midget" Powers will reveal.

Number 13... Now that's a title.

Bridget Powers on IMDB

Dubai, DuBois, Doo Doo or Any Port in a [shit]Storm

2006-03-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

You remember that whole Ports Deal thingy? What happened to that? I guess the Dubai company involved decided it wasn't very good PR and sold the whole deal to a more U.S.-palatable subsidiary of itself (i.e. one not based in a country with the word "Arab" in it's name). I'm sure the whole thing will re-surface after mid-term elections when the Democrats have enough votes to move forward with their impeachment proceedings. Man, what is with that new political strategy? Anyway...

In the meantime I thought I would put this snippet from Marketplace out there for consideration. It's a pretty thought provoking perspective on the national security issue but not from an "Us vs. Them" point of view so much as a "Hey, in a global market place is it really smart to privatize parts of our national infrastructure?" point of view.

real audio clip from marketplace 03.01

"Sickness" or "Another Mother Fucking Cunt"

2006-03-27T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today I'm sick. Yesterday I was sick. In all likelihood, I will be sick tomorrow. What the fuck is wrong with the world? CNN just offered me a solution -- I am possessed. By a demon. Actually, now that I think about it, they're right. A foreign entity has entered my body and taken control of some of it's functions. I don't think it's what the evangelicals had in mind. But you know, if I could hire some mother-cunting huckster/preacher to come over and exorcise the viruses and bacteria from my body, I'd do it. But then, faith is probably an integral part of that process, so I guess I'm totally screwed.

But seriously, CNN is covering possession stories? I don't know why that upsets me. Jesus, there are so many stupid people. I guess some news source has to service them. I had just assumed FOX had that market cornered. Oh, well. In honor of my affliction here is a link to our impending doom.

www.washingtonpost.com

test 1 2 3

2006-03-26T01:17:00.000-08:00

The is a test. This is only a test. I swear to fucking god if you so much as start the breath that leads to the enunsiation of a phrase that has anything to do with spelling or grammer corrections I will find out where you live and mis-spell every word you see for an entire day.